托福独立写作范文解析

　　At a company or any organization, which of the two things do you think that money would be better spent on so that the staff’s work quality would improve?

　　1、 The quality of technology (eg. computers, printers, etc.);

　　2、 Redesigning the office so that staff would feel more comfortable.

　　【此题为2019年7月13日真题】

　　我们以学生的习作的批改来讲解：

　　黑色部分为学生习作，蓝色部分为教师批改

　　Job holdersEmployees[在这里需要用这个词来强调“雇员身份”。]have different personal needs and expectations forof [“对xxx的期待”用of。]the company they serve. If the company I work for were to invest in the program of improving its staff members’ work quality, I would definitely suggest that the money should be spent on updating technological facilities in the office for several reasons. [整个段落的话语还是繁琐了，更简洁更省时]

　　修改后的开头段落，整体呈现如下：

　　Employees have the need for a better work environment, both its technological facilities and its comfortability, so that they may achieve better results.[The first句话就速度进入主题的最核心，这样也给第二句话的承接创造方便。]If my company had the budget to improve the conditions, I would like to see a more technology-enabled office. [这样一来，两句话就可以结束开头段落。]

　　To begin with, Up-to-date technologies help workers work more efficientlyare certainly helpful. [The first句的信息更宽泛就（写作过程）更快，以及注意看清楚题目里面的描述“improving the work quality of its employees”，不然就是偏题。] A stable Wi-Fi connection enables online meetings and conference calls proceed smoothly; specialized video software renders[“致使”的宾语通常为unpleasant的事情。]makes live communication between telecommuters and office workers possible; computers with an updated operating system are more immune to virus and cyber attacks, eliminating the risk of losing work progress due to a system break-down. [接下来这几句就是“硬救”，不然就complete与题无关了。] All of these enable staff to produce solid result. Also, when the technologies wellfacilitate work process, workers’ mind is in an active and focused state and theirspirit is high. As a result, work quality is high. In addition, with the access to the most advanced facilities, staffs would be proud of their companycompanies and thus be highly motivated to workperformhardwith high standards[不然不够切题。].For example, the company one of my friend is working for has recently equipped each employee with a laptop (for work only). Upon hearing the news, my friend was overjoyed, and she decided to spend more time on learning computer skills to make the best use of the cutting-edge equipment.

　　修改后的主体部分The first段，整体呈现如下：

　　Up-to-date technologies are certainly helpful. A stable Wi-Fi connection enables online meetings and conference calls proceed smoothly; specialized video software makes live communication between telecommuters and office workers possible; computers with an updated operating system are more immune to virus and cyber-attacks, eliminating the risk of losing work progress due to a system break-down. All of theseenable staff to produce solid result. Also, when the technologies well facilitate work process, workers’ mind is in an active and focused state and their spirit is high. As a result, work quality is high. In addition, with advanced facilities, staffs would be proud of their companies and thus be highly motivated to perform with high standards. For example, the company one of my friend is working for has recently equipped each employee with a laptop (for work only). Upon hearing the news, my friend was overjoyed, and she decided to spend more time on learning computer skills to make the best use of the cutting-edge equipment.

　　HoweverAdmittedly, some may argue that renovating the office is irreplaceable ina renovated and well-furnished office increases employees’ job satisfaction. They believe that how workers feel about their jobworking in a pleasant ordelightful spacehas a direct impact on how well enhances [动词意义直接一些，就可以用更少的话语说明“心意”。]they execute theemployees’ execution of tasksassigned by their superiors[赘述自然费时。]. Nevertheless, these considerations do not hardly justify the practice. The logic is simple: wouldn’t workers feel more content and secure when they [实在找不到准确描述的时候，用简单一点的动词就更省时。] want to complete their daily work on time? Would they like toand do not have to be bothered with work-related deal with the “leftover” when they arrive home especially when they have a home to go to? Actually, even the most comfortable office cannot make a worker stay and concentrate, and they would not work well with their mind absent. What is more, if there is a shortcut for workers to finish their job efficiently[从未停止偏题。改一下来“救”。]the computers run smoothly, the printers never jam and the Internet connection is stable and fast, who will instead care about would be bothered by the trivial negative feelings and minor discomfort during work? [接下来这一句应该挪到结尾段。]Therefore, weighing pros and cons, improving technology, which guarantees work efficiency,[执着的偏题。] turns out to be a more desirable option.

　　修改后的主体部分第二段，整体呈现如下：

　　Admittedly, some may argue that a renovated and well-furnished office increasesemployees’ job satisfaction. They believe that working in a pleasant ordelightful space enhances employees’ execution of tasks. Nevertheless, these considerations hardly justify the practice. The logic is simple: wouldn’t workerswant to complete their daily work on time?Would they like to deal with the “leftover”especially when they have a home to go to? Actually, even the most comfortable office cannot make a worker stay and concentrate, and they would not work well with their mind absent. What is more, if the computers run smoothly, the printers never jam and the Internet connection is stable and fast,who would be bothered by the trivial negative feelings and minor discomfort during work?

　　In conclusion, Weighing pros and cons, improving technology, which is more likely to guarantee work efficiencyquality [句子的核心和重要内容，就不要放到定语从句里说], and thereforeturns out to be is a more desirable option. While redecorating the office for more comfortable spaces may sound tempting to others, I tend to argue otherwise. As a matter of fact, introducing more advanced technologies in office should be put at a higher priority.[太繁琐，自然耗时。] By contrast, a revamp of the office, albeit welcome, is less likely to have the same effect on workers’ performance.

　　修改后的结尾段落，整体呈现如下：

　　Weighing pros and cons, improving technology is more likely to guarantee workquality, and therefore is a more desirable option. By contrast, a revamp of the office, albeit welcome, is less likely to have the same effect on workers’performance.

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