雅思大作文5.5分到7分需要做哪些修改?

　　Task 2题目

 

　　“The leaders or directors of organizations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be a leader. To what extent do you agree or disagree?”

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　　本期学生习作原文

 

　　The concept of leadership is still built so much on age. It assumed that with age comes wisdom, whereas many forward-thinking tech companies require is youthful energy, knowledge and enthusiasm. To my mind, young people can be leaders as long as they are great ones.

 

　　According to a study conducted by leadership development consultancy, young leaders are rated significantly more than their old counterparts in several aspects. Young people are constantly looking for new ways to work smarter and produce higher-quality work. It is possibly a result of having less attachment to the past compared to the old people. So they are always trying to improve. Meanwhile, they are more inspiring. When it comes to motivating others to do their best work, young leaders often lead by pulling while old people by pushing, which turns out to be less acceptable and effective for the receivers. Additionally, young people are more open to the novelty. They tend to welcome new ideas and put them into action to testify if they will be workable or not.

 

　　Furthermore, the newly-rising and increasing talented and young entrepreneurs mean a shift to younger leadership. It is unnecessary to wait until the age of 50 to run a company or employ staff now. Some young people are seizing the day and contributing its great part to the society. For example, Mark Zuckerberg, started the Facebook when he was still in University and now becomes CEO of the big company at such young age, less than 30. We have every reason to believe that leadership is not defined and evidenced by older age.

 

　　Admittedly, young people will encounter some barriers being a leader. Young people are regarded as less-experienced and consequently, which may lead to the distrust of their judgment from older employees. Anyway, what makes a great leader? Certainly not age, in this sense, we could welcome young leaders in every field. 

 

 

 

 

 

　　修改建议

 

　　能用语言表达自己的观点，逻辑清晰，结构合理，词汇相对丰富，举例论述非常生动。本文存在的问题是：

 

　　1、语法错误较多，如句式不正确，搭配错误等，造成了理解上的障碍，限制了得分强化句子写作观念，根除流水句现象；

 

　　2、语言组织不够紧凑，略显拖沓，建议语言表达更加直接，具体，有力度。本文若能解决语法错误的问题，可提升至6.5分；语言思维若能更凝练，可提升至7分；若全文句式更为灵活，表达更有个性，可提升至7-7.5分。

 

 

        唐老师修改     

 

 

　　The concept of leadership is still built so much on age. It assumed that with age comes wisdom, whereas many forward-thinking tech companies require is youthful energy, knowledge and enthusiasm. To my mind, young people can be leaders as long as they are great ones.

 

 

　　Leaders and managers of companies or institutions are often older people as it is assumed that age comes with wisdom and ability. However, from my point of view, young people, full of energy and enthusiasm, can also be a leader.

 

　　点评

　　本段开门见山，引出话题，表明自己的观点。语言需凝练。划线部分的语法错误有点过于突出。

 

　　句表达抽象，所以不太准确。It assumed应为it is assumed...; many...companies require is youthful energy... 是双谓语动词，可修改为many...companies require youthful energy, ...或者，what many...companies require is youth energy...这种错误太明显了，应该避免。

 

 

 

 

　　According to a study conducted by leadership development consultancy, young leaders are rated significantly more than their old counterparts in several aspects. Young people are constantly looking for new ways to work smarter and produce higher-quality work. It is possibly a result of having less attachment to the past compared to the old people. So they are always trying to improve. Meanwhile, they are more inspiring. When it comes to motivating others to do their best work, young leaders often lead by pulling while old people by pushing, which turns out to be less acceptable and effective for the receivers. Additionally, young people are more open to the novelty. They tend to welcome new ideas and put them into action to testify if they will be workable or not.

 

 

　　According to a study conducted by leadership development consultancy, young leaders are more capable than their older counterparts in several aspects. Firstly, young people are more likely to solve problems in an innovative way which promotes the quality of work, while older leaders, restricted by their out-of-date experiences, are unwilling to make any change in their way of managing things. Secondly, young leaders often adopt an encouraging and inspiring strategy to motivate their colleagues, such as providing more opportunities to participate in international cooperations; however, older leaders are often too harsh to make their instructions acceptable and effective. Additionally, young leaders are open-minded and always welcome new ideas. They like to put their new ideas into action and testify if these ideas are practical or not, which may lead to unexpected benefits.

 

　　点评：

　　本段论述的观点较为明确，但是语法错误不少，此外语言不够凝练，使得逻辑不清晰。请关注划线部分及其修改。尤其注意本段把原文的逻辑层次梳理得更为清楚。

 

　　(1) young leaders are rated significantly more than their old counterparts in several aspects.

　　本句意在表明年轻领导比年纪大的领导在一些方面更有优势，然而more than表示‘更多’的意思。

 

　　(2)work 是动词，后面应该用副词修饰，可用smartly。

 

　　(3) improve是及物动词，后面需要有宾语。

 

　　(4) When it comes to motivating others to do their best work, young leaders often lead by pulling while old people by pushing, which turns out to be less acceptable and effective for the receivers.

　　Lead by pulling/ by pushing 的表达错误，lead 是及物动词，后面需要加宾语。The receivers的表达造成理解困难。

 

 

 

　　Furthermore, the newly-rising and increasing talented and youngentrepreneurs mean a shift to younger leadership. It is unnecessary to wait until the age of 50 to run a company or employ staff now. Some young people are seizing the day and contributing its great part to the society. For example, Mark Zuckerberg, started the Facebook when he was still in University and now becomes CEO of the big company at such young age, less than 30. We have every reason to believe that leadership is not defined and evidenced by older age.

 

 

 

　　Furthermore, the rapid increasing of high-tech entrepreneurs around the worldindicates a shift from traditional leadership to modern leadership, which shows more possibilities for young people to run a company at a very young age. The success of Facebook is well-known all over the world, and the founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, started his business with great passion and innovation when he was still in university. As we can see, young people are more talented in high-tech entrepreneurs and are likely to be successful with their innovation and passion towards new things.

 

　　点评：

　　总体意思明确，但是表达过于拖沓，导致语言没有力度。

 

　　（1）the newly-rising and increasing talented and young 一连串的修饰，导致表达混乱。

　　（2）every reason搭配错误，可用sufficient reasons

 

 

 

　　Admittedly, young people will encounter some barriers being a leader. Young people are regarded as less-experienced and consequently, which may lead to the distrust of their judgment from older employees.Anyway, what makes a great leader? Certainly not age, in this sense, we could welcome young leaders in every field.

 

 

　　Admittedly, as young people are less experienced in management, they may encounter lots of barriers of being a leader. But with the help of their innovation, passion and hardworking as well as the dramatic development of new technology, they can be good leaders.

 

　　点评：　　

　　总结段不建议提出新观点，对上文论述的观点进行总结即可。

　　

　　(1) Young people are regarded as less-experienced and consequently, which may lead to the distrust of their judgment from older employees.

　　And应当连接两个并列成分。

 

　　(2) what makes a great leader? Certainly not age,

　　一问一答，是完整的两个句子。Age后面应该用句号。语法错误。

 

 

 

　　Leaders and managers of companies or institutions are often older people as it is assumed that age comes with wisdom and ability. However, from my point of view, young people, full of energy and enthusiasm, can also be a leader.

 

　　A study conducted by Leadership Development Consultancy points out that young leaders are more capable than their older counterparts in several aspects. Firstly, young people are more likely to solve problems in an innovative way which promotes the quality of work, while older leaders, restricted by their out-of-date experiences, are unwilling to make any change in their way of managing things. Secondly, young leaders often adopt an encouraging and inspiring strategy to motivate their colleagues, such as providing more opportunities to participate in international cooperation; however, older leaders are often too harsh to make their instructions acceptable and effective. Additionally, young leaders are open-minded and always welcome new ideas. They like to put their new ideas into action and testify if these ideas are workable or not, which may lead to unexpected benefits.

 

　　Furthermore, the rapid increasing of high-tech entrepreneurs around the world indicates a shift from traditional leadership to modern leadership, which shows more possibilities for young people to run a company at a very young age. The success of Facebook is well-known all over the world, and the founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, started his business with great passion and innovation when he was still in university. As we can see, young people are more talented in high-tech entrepreneurs and are likely to be successful with their innovation and passion towards new things.

 

　　Admittedly, as young people are less experienced in management, they may encounter lots of barriers of being a leader. But with the help of their innovation, passion and hardworking as well as the dramatic development of new technology, they can be good leaders.

 

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