雅思写作范文

本期推送，笔者仅以一篇学生示范文章为样本，为读者演示写作核心技巧之一：Task 1 中“对比概念”的偷换。

PS: 黑色字体（包括标记删除线部分）为学生文稿，红色字体以及彩色高光处为笔者修改文稿。

「Task 1」

The illustration reveals table is an illustration of 固搭，表示“为…的图示”the production of the carbon dioxide 此处只改词句表层，未动写作的底层逻辑，属6分表达which were released by five countries in 2006. à Task Achievement扣分。注意题干中高光处定从修饰语“排放量最多，意即: in the top five countries/ in the five leading countries in producing CO₂ per capita”.

The US took an obvious lead in average production of CO2 主题词该省则省，因为本题中无SO2等其他气体排放的情况，因此CO2的省略不会有歧义, as its citizens released 19.8kg individually, which 这里的which指的是一整句话呢？还是美国人呢，还是单个美国人产生的19.8kg的这个量呢？就给人造成了理解上的难关，懂？is about 18 times of the production of the Indian, who 那这里的人指的是全体还是个体呢，就有歧义。即：对比的时候，如果不将对比对象弄清楚，那么就很有可能出错 only discharged 1.2kg per person. à …… of India, whose people emitted a mere 1.2 kg per capita. 改成我这样就没歧义。单从这句话来看，语言的表达能力很强，但是仅靠syntax & grammar来联系句子就势必会削弱比较类图形之间的对比关系, 而且下划线which部分其实有歧义你细读就会发现。比如此处你写的与最小两国，仅用18倍的倍数关系来表述的话，其实未能体现出美国印度最小的概念。因此，推荐使用表示对比论证的关系词compared with, 因此本句就可调整为：Most conspicuously, compared with the CO2 emissions per person in the US, which even approximated to 20kg and meanwhile took the lead, those of Indians were merely 1.2kg that placed the last. (以后写极值为了凸显其相应地位，推荐使用此悬垂结构)。Meanwhile, the average production of Russia and Japan were both around 10 kg, about twice of that of China. à 信息被高度浓缩到了一个句子的时候就要注意有无歧义现象，问你：Russia and Japan是不是各自有个人均值？那么主语是单数还是复数嘞？本句修改为：The average amount in R and J respectively was roughly 10kg, which was twice as large as that in China (5kg). 写成我这样就没歧义了 你读读？

The amounts emission 本题语境下，amount其实就可等同于individual emission的，但是两者千万不能共用！所以本句前面的主语二选一吧~ of China and US (both around 6000 million tons) outclassed that 注意这里的前指指示代词，要与前面主语的概念一致of the other three countries, who only produced 2/3 less than the former (表格题建议优先表达gap的大小和多少，不建议写成百分比概念，很难在脑中运算给考官造成阅读压力). Despite the figure of 5900 million tons of US was the topmost in 2005, 这是啥？despite后面要加词类不能加句子呀！ the later latter year witnessed it’s its是谁？冠词的使用也要谨慎呀！a decrease of 15%, while both China and India had an increase of 11% and 8% separately. The production of the other two countries did not change during the year. à 句子太平了：Russia and Japan were also noteworthy, as both of their citizens emitted the same amount of emissions in two separate years, with 1,700 million tons in R and 1,100 million tons in J.

Overall, the condition of CO2 emissions in the five selected countries did not variate vary tremendously during the year. China and US discharged most CO2 in 2006 two years, andAmerican released most personally. = and … 这句话与主体段句话重复了。因此将overview部分的第二句话直接删除就好。

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