【9月21-22日雅思全真模考】教师示范及学生例卷批改——写作篇！

不要分别说两个图，而是拿图二比图一

The two maps illustrate the difference between the year of 2012 of the South Wing of Walton Museum and 2008 of it.

首先观察宏观：The South Wing was expanded with upper levels as the additions to the building. 再按照从入口（作为起点）深入的方向细化去写：First, to access the building, 引入“访客”视角 →patrons should still use the path, and the original entrance was developed into an entrance hall. The special exhibition room underneath the entrance remained where it had been and stayed in its original condition, and the roof of the entrance hall was built as a terrace.“访客”视角→ As a visitor went deeper into the complex, on the level of the entrance hall, the first stop would still be the reception, which had an added cloaks room. The shop on the lower level remained, and there was a new feature – a restaurant, on top of the reception.

“访客”视角→ As the visitor reached further into the complex building, in addition to the reading room, which remained, the original cloaks room was changed into the children’s play area, and two additional upper levels were built. One is the self-service room above the reading room, and the other is the exhibition room above the self-service room.

总结时，就写功能变化（变多或者变少或者没变）、占地变化（变大或者变小或者没变）、楼层（变大或者变小或者没变）：Overall, the building had more floors and, as a result, became more functional; however, the area remained the same. 

Introduction

考生习作（黑色）--- 教师修改（橘红色）：

Nowadays, whether countries should help each other comes to be a heated debate. Although some people argue that countries have a moral obligation to help each other, others concern that the aid money cannot get to the poor. In my opinion, I incline to the former one. ← 俗套，太空泛。→ 句话就可以暗示自己的立场：Admittedly, when international aid money is given to the poor nations, someone gets rich off the aid, and it is not the people who need the money. 然后转折引出自己的立场：However, that is not an excuse for wealthy countries to avoid the obligation, the moral one, in helping nations struggling with poverty. 

Body

让步段内容思路：产生这个worry是合理的，因为worry的事情不是没有可能发生。

考生习作（黑色）--- 教师批改（橘红色）：

It is reasonable to worry about that aid money cannot be received by poor. Because something like corruption might ← 语气太弱，可能性太低。happen and poor citizens will not get the money.  ← 语法错误：原因状语从句不是独立完整的句子。→The worry is reasonable because things like corruption is not a rare case but instead happens often. In some countries, corrupted officials take large portions of the money and leave a small amount for the needy. However, it doesn’t mean countries should not help each other with money ←笼统宽泛，等于什么都没有说。→However, the risk or the concern does not justify the proposed cancelation of the aid.due to the small possibility of corruption. In other words, ←逻辑关系不合理。→As a matter of fact, governments will can take effectual measures, such as promote their institution more transparentpromoting transparency and strengthening supervision, to avoid corruption and← 赘述。 guarantee that the aid money will be sent toreach the poor. 整体说来，信息进展要快。

整理后 →The worry is reasonable because things like corruption are not rare cases but instead happen often. In some countries,corrupted officials take large portions of the money and leave a small amount for the needy. However, the risk or the concern does not justify the proposed cancelation of the aid. As a matter of fact, governments can take effectual measures, such aspromoting transparency and strengthening supervision, to guarantee that the aid money will reach the poor.

立论段内容思路：

1. Sympathy of a developed country is part of the global citizenship;

2. Some developed nations have historically taken advantage of other countries, and their aid is their redemption.

考生习作（黑色）--- 教师批改（橘红色）：

There is no doubt thatAs a matter of fact, sympathy of a developed country is part of the global citizenship. ← 中心句里的信息不要过分多。since countries with high GDP level are willing to help those developing countries which are in poor economic conditions.Seeing← 动词分词引导方式/原因状语the poor suffering in the economic plight and the misery, affluent nations cannot help giving a helping hand. They have a caring heart for their fellowglobal citizens. For example, wealthy European countries make generous donations to undeveloped countries and areas because they cannot just stand aside. What is more, some developed nations have historically taken advantage of other countries, and their aid is their redemption. For instance, Some countries colonized other countries and looted resources many years agoin the past.which caused the stagnant of local economy,← 赘述。so they take responsibility to aid the deprived countries.In the present time, they make up for what they have done, and the aid is their compensation for their past wrong-deeds, and it is for their peace of mind. 

Conclusion

考生习作（黑色）--- 教师批改（橘红色）：

In conclusion, although sometimes the aid money cannot reach to the poor, some measures could be taken to avoid it. At the same time, countries do have a moral obligation to help each other due to their sympathy as a global citizen and their redemption to historical factors.